We are currently expecting our little baby girl to arrive in about four weeks and we couldn’t be more excited about it. We made sure to document this round belly of mine quite well over the weekend since this is very likely the last time I will look like this and I don’t want to forget a single thing about it. I chose mostly loungewear/pajamas as my wardrobe for the photographs since that’s how I’ve basically spent most of the winter. This hasn’t been an easy pregnancy, with so many months of bed rest, but I am truly grateful for all of it.
In contrast, at this exact same time last year we were experiencing a miscarriage after an entire first trimester of pregnancy. Finding healing and being ready to try for a baby again were not easy, but they did happen, and I want to share a little bit of this very personal journey of mine and how I found healing from this traumatic loss through, believe it or not, photography. I hope that this can help any of you out there who have dealt with loss or are dealing with it currently, know that you are never alone in this.
FINDING HEALING FROM GRIEF
When I miscarried last year we gave ourselves some time to deal with it privately, but soon thereafter I was quite open about it on social media and with our friends and family. It’s the second miscarriage I have experienced and I wanted to deal with it completely different this time around. The first time, years before, we kept it private and mostly to ourselves. It all felt very isolating, I felt like I couldn’t really talk about it, and the grief felt overwhelming between just Curtis and I.
This time, I found so much healing through all the women who reached out to me to share their experiences, their similar losses, and the care and wisdom they gave me uplifted my spirit. The assurance that I was not alone and never would be in this sorrow was incredibly comforting. When a wave of grief would feel too overwhelming, this community of women were a rock I would mentally cling to, knowing it would eventually pass and this baby of ours would never be forgotten but would be treasured, like all the babies the women in my life have lost.
Through all of this, coupled with passing time, I found healing from my grief. Healing from the trauma and fear of it all, however, was much more difficult. We still really wanted a baby but I didn’t know if I could handle another pregnancy and another potential loss, I was terrified and drowning in anxiety and fear over it.
HEALING THE FEAR AND ANXIETY OF BECOMING PREGNANT AGAIN
I started seeing a psychologist and she was a literal angel sent from heaven, one of the best life decisions I have ever made. When we talked about my fears, specifically to do with pregnancy, she suggested that I make a list of all of the good things about having a baby and focus on those. The problem with this exercise was that I felt like I couldn’t quite remember what all of these things were, I was so focused on the fear of experiencing another difficult pregnancy, I didn’t know where to start.
As I sat on the couch one day feeling discouraged, I saw our family photo albums stacked on the shelf next to me and, struck by sudden inspiration, I decided to pull out the year that Georgia was born. I slowly turned through the pages, staring at our maternity photos and how happy Curtis and I were, how our hearts were growing with the love we would need to give to this new baby, and how at ease I was. This was a pregnancy I experienced after our first loss, and somehow I was perfectly at ease with the world, no fear in my heart. I was reminded of my strength and ability to be vulnerable even after trauma and the healing of my fear began in those moments, staring at those photographs.
As the days went on I would return to these albums time and time again. I would search through the books of photography and found the ability to see past my fear and instead to see all the beauty that pregnancy and a newborn baby brings. I had two maternity shoots, one of my births, newborn photo sessions, and the many photos I had taken of our sweet babes as they grew, all within the pages of these albums. These images all helped me to keep my focus on the good, I could physically see it with my eyes and it brought all of these beautiful memories flooding back to my heart.
NOW THAT I’M PREGNANT AGAIN
I found healing from the trauma of miscarriage through photography, something I have always treasured and prioritized in my life, and for that I am truly grateful. I found the ability to see past the fear by physically focusing my eyes on the positive, and therein found the strength to try again.
As I look down at my ever expanding stomach right now I can see our little girl rolling and dancing around. She will be entering the world so soon, and I couldn’t feel more grateful.
